The Heterosexual Boyfriend; Oh God, not again!

My gaydar detector is either ultra-sensitive or it simply does not work (see The Heterosexual Boyfriend). After my cowardly exodus from the absolutely perfect ballet dancer, I went out to my neighborhood bar to have a burger and a chat with the bartender.  I never go there to meet people because there simply aren’t ever any young gay guys in there.

So I ordered my burger, and I finished my 1/2 lb. burger, french fries, and salad in fifteen minutes.  Yeah I’m a fatty. And I was still hungry.  Maybe it was because I was so sad about the whole dancer situation.  So I ordered cheese fries.  And another beer.  The bartender sees that a cute guy sits down next me (I guess I am more into fried potatoes than men), and introduces us.  Now that’s a good bartender.

His name is Angelo, he’s puerto rican, and he is sexy.  Sheesh, he is sexy.  And he smizes.  You know like Tyra Banks says on America’s Next Top Model.  Smiling with your eyes. Smizing.  Okay, I’m embarassed to know that.

I no longer need to eat my fries, because I’m having a wonderful time with Angelo. We have a lovely chat and part ways without exchanging numbers.  I don’t really mind, because I’d had enough dating for a week.  Two days later, I’m keying into my apartment door and Angelo walks by with his puppy. Aww, you and your puppy are so adorable! I emphasized the “you”.  Because I wasn’t really looking at the puppy. Yep.  He grins, and he smizes, and he says, What are you doing tonight? Let’s go out again!

So I met him at our bar.  Because goddammit, I’m going to find my soul mate! We’re chatting, and right off the bat he says, “Oh gosh, what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we land girlfriends?”


Now I don’t strut around in a pink tutu or anything, but it’s definitely clear that I’m gay. I mean, I bat my eyes more times a minute than a butterfly flaps its wings.

Oh, I’m gay. I said. And he says, “Oh, okay.” and then we continue with our getting to know you chat. So I guess I have a new buddy. Just what I needed…another weird straight friend.


  1. I’m pretty sure these “clueless” heterosexual boys you come across know exactly what they’re doing. I also attract “clueless” heterosexuals – fortunately for me, girls are much easier to nudge over the edge than boys. Your heteros are just cock teases. I end up dating mine.

    • cowsy
    • December 5th, 2010

    you light up my life

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