Please be my online boyfriend again.
Okay. So. A while ago I joined OkCupid, the internet dating site. My roommate (he’s basically my hero) was joining it, and if he had the chutzpah to do it, I knew I could find the courage myself.
I spent hours setting it up. Guess how long…I’ll give you hint. More than two. More than two and less than…seven. I spent so much time on it, I had to break for a meal because I was starting to get dizzy. There was so much to think about. Should I be funny? Should I be mysterious? Should I be modest? Should I flaunt what I got?
Finally I had my profile together, lightly spiced with some wit, and my most flattering pictures.
Lots of old men clicked me. Lots. Sorry–I’d like a viagra-free relationship. Lots of sex-starved men wanted me to be their “big black daddy”. Sorry–I don’t even really know what that means. And lastly, a lot of people sent me messages that were obviously copied and pasted to all of OkCupid. Thank you for your interest. Your letter is being processed and I will reply should I decide to further your application.
I didn’t give up, though. I started writing to the guys I liked–but most guys didn’t even write back. I was the picky one, yet I was getting rejected over and over again. Finally, a cute guy named Mattie wrote. He read the same things as me, watched the same movies as me, and ate the same things as me. We would write these long, languid letters back and forth…over a period of six weeks. But honestly, I wasn’t looking for a pen pal. I suggested we meet up the next sunday, and have a stroll in the butterfly sanctuary. Because I’m romantic and all. He waited until the day after and then wrote “Oh, I didn’t see your message.” WHAT! But he was so cute and he was a swimmer and I bet he had powerful thighs and a bulging adams apple. So I kept with it. We continued our glorious letters but each one made me grow more impatient. When I hinted at meeting up again, he gave me his personal email address, but that just aggravated me. Give me your phone number! Meet me somewhere! I couldn’t bear the thought of emailing for six more weeks on a new platform. I put my soul into those letter…it was just too draining. So I never wrote him again and I never logged into the site again.
I opened up the site and looked at my inbox. The same old man junk and one other guy that I’d consider. He was cute and he was a social worker. Only his favorite movie was “Not Another Teen Movie”. Seriously. So I re-read my correspondence with Mattie. And it was just beautiful. We wrote of dreams. We wrote of beauty. He wrote, “I can’t live without my phone. If I wasn’t able to talk to my grandmother at least a few times a week, I don’t know what I’d do. ” He was my online boyfriend. And I want him back.