I Want Savage Love, or I Want Old-fashioned Courtship
There’s this trashy bar that I’ve always wanted to go to, because secretly, I’m trashy. I know I lament about being unable to find love and all…but I have needs, ok? It’s a bar that’s open till 5 a.m. and I’ve never gone because a guy told me, If you go there, you’ll get raped. Scary. But, hmm… The only/first guy I dated here warned me of this place as well:
There’s this guy that goes there every night. He works for the bar, but he doesn’t get paid. His job is to lie in the bathtub that’s in the middle of the floor, naked. Instead of using the urinal, this bathtub is the urinal. He drinks it up and rubs it all over.
Now, do you see why I had to see this infamous, sordid place?
So at 2 a.m. one night, I found myself at this bar determined to go in and see what all the fuss was all about. The bouncer stopped me–Not so fast. It’s leather night–you’re penalty for not wearing leather is that you have to take off all of your clothes. Strip down to your underwear. I did it. I didn’t even hesitate. Good thing I was wearing some sexy underwear…and that I had that extra glass of Maker’s.
Once inside, there was another guy that didn’t quite fit in. He was the tops. He was a scruffy hipster guy with a tattoo. Who knows what that tattoo was…only a centimeter peeked out from behind his plaid boxer briefs. And I just knew that when it was time to get dressed, he’d be buttoning up his flannel shirt.
I’m drunk, so I was less than smooth with him. Hiii.
Hey. He walks away. He was so hot that I couldn’t help myself. Ten minutes later, I find him again--Heello again, are you having fun?
Yeah. Again he leaves. No matter who was interested in me, I only saw him. It was 4:45 a.m. and the bar was closing and still Gabrial was dodging me. I didn’t understand. How could one not melt at the site of me in my red bikini briefs?
I walk to the bus stop, alone, and he is there waiting, alone. So I give it another shot. Sorry if I creeped you out tonight, I just thought you were so good looking.
I didn’t mind in the slightest.
In the slightest, he says. How cute! His name is Gabrial. With two a’s, he emphasized. I liked that. I liked it because he could have said that there were no e’s. An optimist.
I say, I’ve given up on seducing you tonight so let’s just have a nice chat while we wait for the bus. I promise I’ll behave. And so we did. We had a lovely chat. Only I couldn’t really behave. I ended up grabbing his hand awkwardly and him having to tactfully remove it. What a mess.
The bus arrived, and I decided to show him the courtesy of not sitting next to him. I sat ten rows in front of him, on the empty bus. Only I turned around and smiled at him about every ten seconds.
It turned out that he lived on my block, just around the corner. We’re walking and I want to say something or do something but I’m spent. Suddenly I can’t bear the thought of never seeing his sad emo face again, so I linger at my mailbox, pretending to sort through my mail. He passes and smiles. I smile. He stops. I put my mail back in the box and walk over to him. I knew you didn’t really need to check the mail, he says. I want him to kiss me. Instead, he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close. “Maybe we COULD have fun tonight?”
I, of course, being the lunatic, nonsensical, irrational man I am, was repulsed by his proposition. I don’t know. Like it was exciting when we were in our underwear, but now this is the real world. We were standing in front of my house. And I’m holding my mail and I have to work in the morning. It was as if he was saying, “I didn’t really find anyone I liked tonight, but I guess since I’m THAT horny, I’ll sleep with you.”
So I don’t know what I really wanted out of the situation. Maybe, to find me and instantly want to court me in a gorgeous old-fashioned way. Or, to be so full of lust that he grabs me right there on the sidewalk and tears my shirt right off my back. That’s right I want animal passion or I want romance. Nothing in between.
So I left him on my sidewalk, confused. He objects, But, in the club, you would never have turned me down?
I’m just tired, I say.
I really am, though.